Draft
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Dawn snatched me from my sleep with an anguished howl of salty air. Alone. I was now alone. I looked out across the wasted planes. From the charcoal of the burnt tree husks to the off-white the snow had taken due to the ash diluted into it, my sight was met by a spectacal of faded greys. I had to keep moving, now was a time which deprived us of the rights to luxury we had taken for granted. Nesting was one of them. I had made camp on the coast, in the dunes. Not to far from what I suppose has been a small fishing town. Its just a ghost town now, it's no longer safe but there might be food.
Ash and sand blew through the air, stinging my eyes. The dust got everywhere. Choking, clotting, blinding dust. I unassembled the makeshift bed that would soon be on my back along with all my worldly possessions, which mainly consisted of a knife, tarpoline, rags, odd shoes and a leather pouch which I used to keep food. It had been empty for weeks.
I stripped down to wash before I left for the town. I caught my relfection in the blade of my knife. It brought back memories of school history lessons. A flesh coloured skeleton of Auschwitz gleamed from that blade showing my mortality. I coughed with disgust at myself. A cough that shredded my throat. Blood mixed with ash and phlem pooled in my hand. Examining it, I knew there was too much this time. I was deeply sick.
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Intriguing draft! I like the short, incomplete sentence followed by the full sentence. The succinct language you've used gives it a very poetic feel also, not using 10 words when 1 will do, especially given the topic you are about to involve us in.
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ReplyDeleteI enjoy how you from the beginning start painting an image into the reader's mind, using terms such as "howl of the salty air" to give us the sights and sounds of it. As you go on to describe his surrounding area, it gives a feel of placement, only enhanced by his internal thoughts focused on how he should survive to take the next step.
ReplyDeleteAs Nat mentioned, your use of single words to describe rather than getting too descriptive is a neat effect. To me it conveys the sense of conserving ones words, reflecting on the character's need to be careful with his resources.
Oh, nicely put DustyFedora, seeing the subtext in the choice of words ("reflecting on the character's need to be careful with his resources."). I appreciate the description you convey Michael but realise this topic is hard to be completely original.
ReplyDeleteI also prefer this POV to either of the others you could have chosen, it seems more desolate and alone when it's completely internal.
You paint a bleak picture. I like it. I agree that the first person perspective will be effective at showing the state of mind of the character.
ReplyDeleteI don't much like the phrase "pore of existence". It sounds cliche and clumsy. The word "existance" just seems redundant and doesn't add anything to the image.
I really like this. I haven't read The Road, so I don't know how it fits in, or expands on the story, but I think the use of words is a great start. One thing I think you could improve on, for me, is building a bigger picture visually of where the character is when he wakes up?? Not sure if you were going for that or not, if that is the point. Also, the phrase "deprived us of those deluded rights to luxury" just doesn't...sit right with me? Maybe "those" could be "these"?
ReplyDeleteJust my opinion, good work :)
I took what everyone said into consideration when writing this slight revision, i will hopefully finish it by tommorrow. cheers for the help :D
ReplyDeletei REALLY LIKE the new last four lines :D
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing piece, the use of description and the flow of text fits perfectly into place. i love your use of descriptive text, its a very dark and moving tale, I'm looking forward to the completed piece
ReplyDeleteA bit of nitpicking here, but in the line "by a spectacal of faded greys" it should be spectacle.
ReplyDeleteYour description of his possessions is efficiently putting the point across that he does not have many possessions, in contrast to what we might be used to ourselves. Joining the rest of the piece and it really shines out that he is in a desperate spot.
The final lines are really poignant for us who are familiar with the state of the victims of Auschwitz. Having visited the concentration camps and seen the things on display, the line elicits a particularly strong image for me. It enhances the whole piece.