I wasn’t sure how long I had been in the cabin, days, weeks, months, time didn’t seem to move. There was no light outside, the inky darkness that surrounded the cabins exterior blocked out the world in which I had left, it locked me in, consumed my thoughts and dreams, took away my hope.
In the cabin there was only I, the writer. I had written the manuscript to save my wife, my muse, but with her saved and the story over my writing has lost rhythm, it no longer flows like it did, when I had motivation. The story had died.
There were times in the cabin when I was completely alone, times where everything seemed calm, then there were times when he was there. The man that existed outside of logic, I wasn’t sure if my manuscript had brought him here or my own lack of sanity but he was there.
He smiled at me maniacally like a psychopath restrained, his eyes never lost contact with my own as if only existing in my gaze.
His features were identical to those of my own, like a clone or evil twin, his clothes copies of my own, but was he real, was I real.
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I wasn’t sure how long I had been in the cabin, days, weeks, months, time didn’t seem to move. There was no light outside. The inky darkness that surrounded the cabins exterior blocked out the world in which I had left, it locked me in, consumed my thoughts and dreams, took away my diminishing hope.
In the cabin there was only I, the writer. I had written the manuscript to save my wife, my muse, but with her saved and the story over my writing has lost rhythm, it no longer flows like it did, when I had motivation. The story had died. Have I died?
There were times in the cabin when I was completely alone, times where everything seemed calm, then there were times when he was there. The man that existed outside of logic, I wasn’t sure if my manuscript had brought him here or my own lack of sanity but he was there.
He smiled at me maniacally like a psychopath restrained. His eyes wide and bloodshot never lost contact with my own, as if only existing in my gaze.
His features were identical to those of my own, like a clone or evil twin, his clothes copies of my own, but was he real, was I real.
It was unsettling. Zane had called him Mr. Scratch, he told me not to worry about him he would meet my friends when I was gone, but I was worried. Why was he here?
Sometimes my mind shifts outside of the cabin, into a world of my own twisted imagination, a world fighting me, dragging me deeper into insanity; its surroundings were unfamiliar, like a suppressed memory. These moments or shifts took their toll. Scratch had followed me, watched me suffer through the TV. He had dictated the horrors that came at every turn, like a demented storyteller, if he was so harmless, why did he try to kill me.
I may have an advantage having actually played the game, but your choice of words convey the feeling of the Alan Wake environment perfectly. I like the bare feel of it, letting the readers mind fill in the visual images of Bird Leg cabin and the surrounding Cauldron Lake. In a literary sense this may be a disadvantage for those who have not played the game, but this is fan fiction, so I think you're hitting the nail on the head with this.
ReplyDeleteAlan's inner voice is close to the tone I perceived in the game and reminds me of the anguish Alan seemed to be going through at the end of the Signal DLC. At the same time, it feels detached, especially with your final line. This gives the draft you have offered up a fascinating angle, compels the reader (at least me) to follow the story to see where this dead story of Alan's will go.
I think it needs more full stops. Too many commas make the sentences too long. It feels like these thoughts are flowing together a bit too rapidly for the reader to digest. Breaking up the ideas into seperate sentences or adding conjoing words could help moderate the flow and allow each thought its own significance. Maybe a superfluous suggestion. I suppose it is somethign we all do when writing drafts. I really like the flow otherwise.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph entrigues me. I haven't played the game but it sounds cool. So his wife is dead...? But he wrote a story in which he saves her?
I'd say the commas enhance the whole piece myself, makes it seem rushed and disjointed at the same time. Chaotic, like Alan's mind at that particular moment. His mind is running a mile a minute, trying to comprehend, digest, etc. The text and superfluous use of commas reflect this. This is a man who has gained a victory, but also suffered a loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm really enjoying how this is progressing. Your use of words is fascinating, "like a psychopath restrained" is such a provoking image. His thoughts on his "reflection", "twin", and so on, elicits some curiosity in the reader, and while I suspect I know who the twin is, in this universe I can't ever be sure. Sneaky.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy the use of "existing outside logic" as a throwback to the game, it's a little easter egg to those who know the game.
In the state it is now, the flow isn't entirely smooth, it is a draft after all, but it can easily be polished.
This is really intruiging, especially to someone who hasn't played the game. One thing though, I think you need to check your tenses in some places. For instance you switch from had, in one sentence to have in the next.
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good start, I would love for you to explore Alan's psyche a bit more. I don't know if it's just me being weird but in some places it seems like it's missing a comma. Where to get a balance, I don't know lol. I really like the bit about Mr Scratch, that's really interesting.
The "like a clone or evil twin" line, while suitable as is, could perhaps be improved by writing "an evil twin", but this I figure would be up to personal preference.
ReplyDeleteAlso the line "worry about him he would meet my friends" seems a bit clumsy. If you rephrased it to "worry about him, he would meet my friends" it eases up a bit, the pause provided by the comma giving a chance to catch your metaphorical breath.
Again, more nitpicking, the line "He had dictated the horrors that came at every turn, like a demented storyteller, if he was so harmless, why did he try to kill me." could be divided into two separate sentences. Making "If he was so harmless, why did he try to kill me." its own sentence would give the previous line (demented storyteller) more impact on the reader.
Very intrigued about the story thought! ;)
I actually had to read this numerous times to even understand what was going on here, it's intense!
ReplyDeleteTo reference some of the other comments, I like the sentence structure the way it is actually, all over the show and manic - it seems like it fits the character and the overall game?
Speaking as a reader that had never heard of Alan Wake, I find your writing really interesting, but would maybe just keep a hold on exactly how psychotic it gets and how rapidly it does so, as it starts to get a little confusing around the "watched me suffer through the TV" line.