Spoken secrets filled the air as Penny Lane walked by. No longer a mouse, no longer an image, no longer fooling around. She was on the other side of the barrier now, and the others viewed her as they would an apparition from their past. Was that the same smell of incense on her, the same fanciful attitude, the same curly golden mess of mop? Something had died in her though, they all believed, whether it was good or bad, no-one could know. The wildfire of her heart had been replaced by an ease of herself, of where she was in the world. She no longer felt compelled to anything anymore, to the beautiful destruction of her heart that had been there for all to see. There, in a song. She heard it in her head one day as she was walking home and had smiled a secret smile, knowledge of an alien past. The world had moved on now, but she still heard it, those songs. She had a child now, named Annabelle, who thought the world of her mother. The little Lady who moved around the house, lighting candles and singing her songs, also laughed along with the wonderment of her daughter, a miracle who had come from someplace better than this. For this she was grateful, grateful to the tips of her toes, and it changed her. HE never mattered anymore, none of the HE's that floated in and out of her life mattered anymore. She could put on her rugged threads, head down to the shops, and she was free. It was her choice to entrance them, a choice to stop. The buskers on the street still gave her a look, a look that seemed to say I know where you've been, and I know where you're going, but she no longer cared. The open road no longer was paved with souls she loved, it all came back to Annabelle. Annabelle was her anchor.
More to come on Russel and William methinks...
Sorry for the EXTREME lateness guys, let me know what you think :)
I like that you have chosen to do a continuation of Almost Famous. Really intriguing storyline to give Penny a daughter, and yet not have explained who the father is.
ReplyDeleteI find a lot of the language you use is almost too descriptive, too abstract, maybe using some more concrete language, about actual things, would help the story progress a little bit better?
I liked the pun in the line, "The little Lady who moved around the house..." - very clever!
I can't wait to read what's happening with Russell and William too, and the relationships they all have with each other now.
I know very little of Almost Famous, so I don't get any of the references, but I do enjoy your style in this. I enjoy the whole abstract view you've given us, but I don't like how you use "HE" rather than merely a bolded "he". It just strikes me as uncomfortable to read. It also comes across as a solid wall of text. It'd be more comfortable to read if you divided it into paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand what's going on, which would turn me off reading, but as this is just a draft you don't have the thing in its entirety. I'm looking forward to seeing how you proceed with this!
It's an interesting read, i'm not familiar with the movie so its hard to follow the topic you have chosen. I like some of your use in words however i agree with Tiril on the "HE" thing, mybe use alternative words to help it make sense.
ReplyDeleteI also agree it needs to be broken into paragraphs, not only does it give the work a polished look, it helps the reader in a sense that they don't loose there place.
Looking forward to the final piece.
Thanks so much for the comments, yeah I agree about the He thing. See what I can do about paragraphing it, I probably do need to edit some of the language :)
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